Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Q: who has two thumbs and a boyfriend who likes smut??

What up, y'all!


Allow me to explain my absence with a Venn diagram:




This Venn diagram is extra true when you've got a new boyfriend and you really don't want to fuck it up. As you may have noticed, my new boyfriend is less new, and has now earned his own tag over here in my little corner of the internet. Grant knows about this blog and he approves: it's not so much that he proofreads my writing--because he only kind of does--as the fact that I think he finds the whole idea novel and interesting and a little bit odd. 

Some number of months ago, not too long after I signed off for the indefinite future, Grant and I were rolling around in bed and talking about things we had done. I had previously noticed—because it was obvious—that when I told him stories about my past, he would become particularly aggressive and affectionate. Therefore, it does not require that much imagination to figure out why I told Grant about this blog.

At the time, there was some discussion regarding if he should know the blog’s name just yet. We decided to wait, and I emailed him the original email I had sent a lover about a year before that inspired this whole literary endeavor. He told me he would read it when he felt ready.

About four months later, I got a text from Grant while I was at work. He wanted a link.

I internally hemmed and hawed for a little bit, because this blog is, ultimately, embellishments of things that I’ve done with other people, and I know that I could never, ever read something like this blog as written by a current lover, as it would make me absolutely crazy and miserable with jealousy.

“Are you sure?” I replied.

“I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t sure.”

So I sent him the link. And I became anxious.

When I saw him that night, I asked what he had thought. He told me relatively little about how he felt about it, and that he hadn’t really read that much.

I discovered over the course of the next few days that “that much” really meant “I know all about Buddy Holly and I kind of like the graphs.”

And here we are. I'm currently working to amass a nice cushion of material to post when I don't have time to write, but now that I have one particularly vocal and particularly interesting audience member, I suppose it's not unreasonable to think that finally, my more regular updates might be back for good.


I'm so glad that my (awesome) readership has decided to come back and join me again for more adventures in storytelling that's 80% real and 20% fabricated or embellished (but which 20% is something I'll never reveal). I've missed writing here, I've missed the creative outlet, and I'm delighted to find that you guys missed lil' ol' me, too. It feels good to be back.


A bientot!
Margot


PS: A: it's all of you who have both thumbs and a boyfriend. Let's not pretend that there's a single boyfriend out there who's not into smut, but only the special ones also love a good graph.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Literal Heart-Pants

So, a while ago I posted a Venn diagram about how to find the way into my heart, or my pants, either or. Here is a companion piece, with slightly more explicit instructions (as always, click to enlarge):


Obviously, there's some fine points I'm leaving out of this. And please imagine that every time it says "snore," you are on a date that is shockingly similar to this video about the bond between the anesthesiologist and the orthopod.

Recently I've been into finding new ways to display old data. I think it's part of being a grad student?

A bientôt,
Margot

Saturday, August 6, 2011

the key to happiness

Oh hi there!

I know it's been a while. School is rough, my vacation ended up being nonexistent, and I've had some difficulty adjusting to a new schedule. That said, I've done some thinking. I think I've decided that this is the key to success with romantic/sexual interactions:
You guys, we should tell everyone. 

a bientot,
margot

Saturday, July 2, 2011

brainstorming

I was brainstorming some posts the other day, and instead of something hot, I came up with this venn diagram:


Lo these many months later, everyone still loves a good unicorn sex story!

Friday, June 17, 2011

A universal plan for preparing for licensing exams.

FRIENDS.

How I miss all y'all! I've received some incredible emails over the past 5 weeks, where you've offered me kind words, encouragement, support, and all around personal cheerleader-style communications, and I'm truly appreciative. Thank you. For those of you who've been asking how this whole business has been working for me, let me present you with a flow chart (click to enlarge!):


I wish I could tell you that I've been secretly writing smut and stashing it away, but I've been a touch busy recently and as a result I've been both unwillingly celibate and preoccupied with learning stuff for my career instead of documenting exploits. I'm nothing if not goal-oriented. There has also been some more difficult things happening in Family la Ravaudeuse, which occupies a lot of my mental real estate. The short version: I do my best to be zen in the face of stress, I'm taking today off, tomorrow I have an 8 hour exam that largely determines the rest of my career, and I think I'm going to go for a run and then go to the movies.

Again, I'm truly grateful for the support and encouragement I get from this corner of the internet, 

À bientôt,

Margot

PS: I leave for five weeks and come back with MORE followers!? Daaang. Soyez les bienvenus!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

votes of confidence

I was supposed to see Louis tonight to break my dry spell, but unfortunately that did not pan out. I was bemoaning this to a friend of mine, and she knows me really well. This is what she sent me to explain to me that everything will be fine (as before, click through for bigness):

Thanks, Siobhán! I like to think you're right, and in the even that you are, I want dudes in the middle to make themselves known to me.

Monday, May 9, 2011

a very complex decision-making rubric.

Pervs,

I am in the midst of my longest dry spell in the last 5 years. It's not really that long--maybe a month?--but I have noticed that my friends are much happier with me when I am having sex more regularly. In light of that, I am considering taking my graphs to myfaircity.craigslist.org* to see if I can find a young man who is altruistic enough to have sex with me so I don't get all crabby at my friends (click to embiggen):



I thought a Venn just wouldn't do here. Here's to kind, giving perverts.

Bisous!
Margot

*not a real craigslist. Also, I clearly don't live at the intersection of Unicorn Lane and la Ravaudeuse Road. Don't try to find that place.

Monday, May 2, 2011

grad school

hello sugarpies,

We can use terms of endearment, yes? Excellent.

I have to let y'all know: the next two weeks of grad school are going to be really, really unpleasant for me, and then for five weeks after that I have to go into academic seclusion. It's lame, but it's the way things have to be.

I have revised another chart to perhaps illustrate my dilemma a little bit more clearly:



The addition of the green line is meant to further illustrate this problem. That is: I DON'T WANNA, but I have to. From May 16 to June 18, I will be living under a rock that is shaped like the flat part of that red line. This blog may suffer as a result. I'm sure all y'all sympathetic readers can understand, and I'll be missing each and every one of you pervs.

Je vous embrace, 

Margot

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

other people are also into charts.

So I have my google reader full of porn, and then I have my google reader for my real life. This chart showed up in the latter from a blog I absolutely love, copyranter:



To see the big version, mosey on over here.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Thank you, google analytics!

I have one Mr. X over at The Sex Experiment to thank for the idea for this one, after a series of emails about how it is that people seem to find our respective blogs: 

I'm preparing a post to elaborate on this fact in the near(ish) future.

All y'all are the best readers ever, and also clearly huge, huge pervs. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

A well-balanced existence

I think there's something really zen about dividing my life into three circles and figuring out where they overlap.


The middle part of the chart: that's la Ravaudeuse disneyland.

Monday, April 11, 2011

the results of many strenuous, peer-reviewed protocols

After a few years of tinkering, I think I've figured it out:

I'm pretty sure this is God's honest truth.

This week is a rough one in Grad-School-Land, so expect more regular descriptions of boning and awesome saturday nights after it has passed.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

wildlife preserve

Simon and I were driving through fields in the rural area near where he used to live. It was July. We chattered away, a hand on each others' thigh. I wore a short black wrap dress. Everything was new, and everything about Simon excited me: his tall, slim build; auburn hair, and frank but gentle demeanor. He was immensely talented at reading other people, probably the best I've ever known, and combined with his background trait of honesty, being near him was often a discovery of what things you could learn about people if you just pay attention. He made no effort to hide his raw sexuality, and it was percolating just below the surface in all of our interactions when everything was new.

He always drove with a hand on my thigh, and I normally hand mine folded on top of his. Today, we were driving through the countryside, over fields filled with nothing and through tree-covered hills. The part of the world that he was from wasn't that far from the city where I lived in terms of distance, but in terms of geography and culture it was a separate world. It was beautiful and slow, and a place where you could go to be alone, outside, for miles.

Our conversation turned from whatever it was about before to what it always became: our fantasies. His hand crept up my thigh to the edge of my panties as I told him that I always wanted to fuck outside in broad daylight, and that I had never done it and was sad that I probably never would. As he traced the crease between my vulva and my inner thigh, I moved my hand over to his lap to discover a growing hardness.

“Margot, you know there's nobody here for miles, we're driving through a wildlife preserve.” I looked out the window: we were driving through a field with gently rolling hills, sun everywhere, and far enough out that I couldn't actually see another road. Simon pinched my thigh, and ran his hand under my wet panties. I rubbed his cock through his jeans. “Why don't we stop here?” I pulled my panties down and off my ankles and over my sandal-covered feet.

Simon pulled over, and we both hopped out of his green sedan. We looked and listened: nothing. Nobody. He kissed me, pushed me over the hood of his car, and untied my dress as I undid his belt. The metal of the hood of the car burned the backs of my thighs until he pulled my ankles up to his shoulders and penetrated me. He did not start off slowly or gently: our conversation in the car turned us both on to the point that this sex was the culmination of a fantasy.

We were instantly sweating in the mid-July sun. I was wearing a bra that closed in the front: I snapped it open, pressed my tits together, and played with my nipples while Simon fucked me, lifting my ass up off of the car with the force of his pelvis and forcing me to be almost completely bent in half while his hands squeezed my hips. We were grunting and rutting like animals.

Wildlife preserve, indeed.

When Simon fucked me like this: him on top of me or standing, my knees to my chest with my legs fully extended in a feat of flexibility that I'm not sure I could do without training up to it, I always came quickly and hard. Today was no exception, and I was quickly panting and crying out, with my pussy squeezing him harder and leaking all over our hips. Simon stepped back and pulled out of me, and promptly came in ropes from my pubis to my sternum. He leaned over me for an instant; panting, sweating, and glowing.

He looked up.

“Oh shit, Margot!” he shouted, and quickly threw the halves of my dress over my nakedness before shoving his still half-erect cock back into his jeans, just as not one, but two, totally full minivans drove by. They had decals on them from one of the larger summer camps in the area. They drove past, pulled over 50 feet away, and stopped. Simon and I had thrown our clothes back on and jumped in the car and drove off as quickly as possible as I reined in my breasts and tried to clean myself off with tissues from the glove box while keeping myself covered as we drove past these two vans, full of staff from the camps. If they weren't staff, they were the most twentysomething-looking campers I have ever seen. They were staring at us as we drove past. I was trying not to get ejaculate all over my dress, the car, or the seatbelt, and had pretty much given up. I tied up my dress, and looked at my partner.

Simon was laughing hysterically. My shocked feelings turned to giggles, and turned to belly laughs with him. This was not the end I fantasized about—my exhibitionist streak did not include fantasizing about accidental minivans full of observers—but it's definitely a much better end than anything I could ever make up.  

Sunday, April 3, 2011

The Venn diagram that explains everything

I was going to make a road map, but this seemed more efficient. 

Everything here is something I love.

(NB: QC = Questionable Content by Jeph Jaques; SMBC = Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal by Zach Weiner)

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

the size of the friend zone is variable

Some friends of mine and I were talking about the fundamental problem, and we came up with a corollary:

Of course, there are outliers and exceptions, and I'm pretty sure the integral of this function is directly proportional to how wet I am around the object of desire/affection.

I'll get back to a regular schedule of smuttiness shortly.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

contrat de mariage

This isn't a pickup line so much as a pickup story.

I very briefly lived in France as an undergrad. I wasn't, strictly speaking, studying abroad because I was not affiliated with any French institution and I was not taking classes, but I was living in Paris and conducting some independent research that was funded by my home university. I lived in a neighborhood populated primarily with North Africans, and I am a tall, voluptuous blond (my measurements aren't for public consumption, but my dress size would be an 8-10 if it weren't for my shoulders and breasts). French women do not, generally speaking, look like me. I stood out in that crowd.

CONTEXT: I am walking home to my apartment after buying vegetables. It is sunday afternoon. I haven't showered, I'm more than a little hungover, and I feel like I smell. I am wearing a navy blue dress with a cache-coeur neckline (my favorite). A man sees me in the crowd and aggresses his way over to me.

THIS DUDE: easily twice my age and then some, easily four inches shorter than me and then some, easily 50 pounds heavier than me (I'm not a lightweight) and then some. He is wearing a linen suit. He is not beautiful.

THE EXCHANGE*:
Him: “Miss, you are so beautiful, would you happen to be in need of a husband? I have the papers right here!” and he pulls out a large document labelled, somewhat comically, “MARRIAGE CONTRACT.”
Me: “No thanks, but good luck with that.”
Him: “Well, if not a husband, how about a fuck?”

DID IT WORK: I am not now, nor have I ever been, married.

*En français, pour ceux qui en ont envie:
Lui: “Mademoiselle, vous etes si belle, est-ce que vous avez besoin d'un mari? Voici mon contrat de mariage!”
Margot: “Non merci, bonne chance.”
Lui: “Si vouz ne voulez pas m'épouser, puis-je vous baiser?”

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Trends


Some friends of mine have been teasing me a bunch recently about my taste in men (I love them hairy), and combined with my propensity towards nudity, I feel like this is an appropriate graph to explain some of my behaviors.

Things I love: red wine, pantslessness, and hairy men. Yes please.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Simplified displays of information

Graphs are way more effective than bitching:


NB: you can substitute "interest in breathing," "desire to sleep," or "amount of non-grad school obligations" for "Interest in sex," and this graph would still be true.

Today, we're starting at the y-axis. This means that, sad as it is to me, I will not be posting anywhere near as often as I'd like, but I'll still be around.

There just might be more graphs.

Monday, March 7, 2011

buddy holly

Not too long ago, my off-again-on-again running partner told me that I need to start writing down the awesome pickup lines that I've been on the business end of. I feel like this might be the perfect forum, especially for when I want to tell a good story but don't have the time to write something quality.

THE LINE: "You are visually delicious!"

Setting: a basement club, not wholly unlike this basement, except maybe 10% the size of the one that inspired that story.

Context: dancing with a young man who keeps grabbing my ass and staring at my tits. I'm two months out of a serious relationship.

Did it work: you betcha. That young man's name is an integral word in a popular song, and every time I hear it I laugh at the same time as I get wet. That's a story for another time.